What To Do When Your Husband Cheats: 5 Do’s and Don’ts to Survive
If you are reading this, chances are good that you have recently discovered that your husband is having an affair. Maybe it happened years ago and is over, maybe it has been happening for months and he doesn’t know you know, maybe you caught him cheating. Wherever you are in this discovery process, I am sorry this is happening to you. I have been where you are and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, not even my husband or his mistress.
A few things I need you to know first:
This is not your fault. Your husband didn’t cheat on you because you are a bad person. He didn’t cheat on you because you are terrible in bed or because you “let yourself go.” Your husband cheated because he is or was feeling inadequate and sought validation from someone who doesn’t know all of his flaws. His existential crisis is not on you.
There is nothing you could have done to stop it. You are likely thinking “if only I had made more time for sex.” Or maybe you, like I did, are making a tick list of all of the places you should have gone, things you could have said, or even moments that could have stopped this from happening. There is nothing you could have done to stop him because his affair is not about you.
Everything you are feeling is normal. You are processing one of the biggest betrayals you will ever face. A 2021 study even found that 30-60% of people who have been cheated on experience some form of mental health crisis, like anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no timeline.
Four years ago I learned that my husband was having an affair when I found him purchasing plane tickets to visit his mistress, a work colleague he’d met at a conference. My entire world crumbled. It felt like someone reached inside and stole my heart. That night, my best friends saw me fall apart in a way they’d never seen but I couldn’t stop it. I have experienced anguish a few times in my life, and that night was one of them. Four years later, after so much work and therapy, individual and couples, I still became nearly unhinged the week of the conference where his affair started. The heart recovers in its own time so be gentle with yourself.
With that in mind, there are a few things you can do to make your life more manageable and a few things you can do to blow it.
Who to trust
DO have someone to talk to. One or two close friends can be there to hold your pain and listen as you try to sort through this mess. We had a group of six friends who got together every Sunday. We told them all what was happening. Without them, neither of us would have made it far in our healing process and my daughter wouldn’t have gotten two more years of the family life she loved.
DON’T share the news far and wide. The eyes and whispers of your community are not going to help you recover during this challenging time. Family may be tricky as well. You don’t have a secret to keep and you have nothing to be ashamed of, but keeping your circle small will give you the opportunity to have spaces for normalcy.
2. Who to call
DO call your therapist. If you have been out of therapy for a time or if you’ve never been, now would be a great time to seek out professional help. A neutral third party is free of judgment and motivations for a specific outcome. They can also share tools with you to manage emotional upheaval and strategies to keep your life moving forward.
DON’T call his mistress (or mister). Whatever you think you want from it will actually happen. She is not going to be sorry. You are not going to feel magically powerful and in control. No good will come of this. If the “other participant” is in your community, try to avoid run-ins alltogether.
3. Write it out
DO journal. Or draw or write music or sing or dance. Find a creative outlet to help you process the big emotions you are feeling right now. I kept a separate journal only for affair processing. I still wrote about the other parts of life in my usual journal. Because I had a separate space to capture what I was feeling about my husband’s infidelity I was able to easily see how much progress I was making. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It can even be one of your kids' old school notebooks. And DO keep it in a safe place where your kids won’t find it.
DON’T write about the affair on socials. Yes, it might feel good to take him down and get all of that feedback. Brené Brown calls this the smash and grab, when you smash the story into the open and grab all of the validation and support you can get. But bringing him down isn’t going to make you feel better and most of the support you get will end there.
4. Gather evidence
DO collect evidence. If you have text messages, photos, receipts, or phone records, find a safe place to put them. Once you have them, put them out of sight and out of mind. You may need this later down the road if you end up divorcing.
DON’T go down a rabbit hole. Stay away from her Instagram. Stay away from Google. And as hard as it is, try not to let your imagination run wild. Set aside ten minutes a day to let the pain and disgust take over and then come back. Early in the process? Maybe you need to start at 20 minutes, but wean yourself off this drug.
5. Make good choices
DO practice self care. I am not talking about luxurious bubble baths, but if that is where you feel better, go for it. I mean basic needs. Remember to drink water. Sleep, as hard as it is to quiet your mind. Get outside and walk, run, hike but get out, move your body and breathe. And despite the neverending nausea, eat something real and healthy for your body.
DON’T make major decisions. If you have a family and a life you love, there may be something worth fighting for. You are devastated and now is not the time to decide to end your marriage, to move out of your house, or walk away from your community. If you decide to leave, do it when you can be proud of your strength without regret or question.
It doesn’t feel like it now, but you will get through this and if you are anything like the other badasses I know, you will come out on the other side stronger and wiser than ever before.
Are you ready to discuss options? Do you need someone to help you work out how and when to leave?
